"My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living."
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. "
~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
I'm having trouble this month, more than other months lately. I usually start feeling this way in February and by the end of the month everything is better, but this year February was okay. Great, in fact, because Nick was back home after 6 months working in another city. Of course I got sick then, as I always seem to do after the stress recedes, but I didn't feel this malaise, this weird identity-quest that seems to fall around February every year. No, no, this year it waited until June.
I know that at least part of it is owing to my grandmother's death. While we were not close, she still was my grandmother and part of my life story, part of my past. I'm sad that she's gone and that with her, all those memories of my dad's childhood and my grandpa are also gone. I have a few little things in my house that remind me of her (possibly more than the rest of my family has, but I've always been a collector of things in a way that the rest of my family has not been) and those make me happy and sad at the same time, too.
I'm also dealing with that post-stress from having dropped a few commitments. I've reached that point in my life where my commitments are what made me, well, me and not having them and not doing them has left me emptier inside than I'd thought it would have. It's a weird thing. I thought I'd feel more free because I didn't have all these things to do, but instead I feel a bit panicky like there's something I ought to be doing, but am not. I don't know. This gets into that weird feeling category that I've been trying not to post about because it's so nebulous and I don't know what to make of it.
Our theme days haven’t really happened yet.I feel like this summer is going by too fast this year. The first week was full of camp stuff, then the second week I was too sick to move, so we basically watched TV all week. This week the kids spent a couple days at Nana & Pa’s house & it was Father’s Day, as well, so we haven’t really done much summer stuff.
Instead of doing themed days like we’ve done in the past, we’re concentrating on getting scout stuff done. David has tons and tons of stuff to do for Webelos this year and Ben will be starting up as a Tiger cub, so we’re trying to get a head start on that. So far all we’ve done is Family Member Day (making up chores lists, talking about what a family is and does, doing a home safety check, etc) and David did some stuff for his Artist badge. That’s it. We had a lot planned for last week (building birdhouses, basketball, the rest of the art stuff, swimming), but I was just too sick to do any of it.
The fact of it is, though, that all this scout stuff kind of makes me sad. I was totally not excited about planning for it and I’ve continued in not being excited about doing it either. It’s all very structured and very blah. I just don’t want to do it. But there’s not enough time for Nick to do it with them in the evenings, so it’s all falling to me. *sigh* I just want to hide in my bedroom and not come out again.